Since somebody isn’t blogging often enough for me, and I won’t name any names, (Elizabeth) I’ve decided to just hijack her site and write something for her. That way when I reload her page ten more times tonight (cause I’m a bit obsessive compulsive and also cause I’m a hardcore stalker) there will not only be something to read, but it will super awesome stuff because I wrote it.

It’s a win-win situation.

So with no further adieu…


I don’t care how many famous douche bag designers do this to their models before walking them out in front of a crowd of B-listers trying to become A-listers. This looks retarded. If I wanted a woman who wore her hair and makeup like she just woke up in a trash bin after a 3 night bender then I’d quit spending my weekends staring at my biceps in the mirror and go out trolling the local bins for my next wife.

Only about 1% of guys want a woman who looks like Xena the Princess Warrior. Whether they desire the beefed up frame that can likely press over two bills or the “strong” facial features, which is of course just another way of saying she looks like a dude, who would think to cap off either one of those looks with such a dumb looking haircut? It’s the female equivalent of the bowl cut for boys. This has to be just for lesbians and closeted gays who still pine for their grade school buddy. I blame the Flobee.

This is what hair on a woman should look like. Feminine, long, and lacking any sort of current “trend.” No guy is going to recognize the latest hair technique that signifies the hip style of the day. All he’s going to notice is how cutting it short made your hips stand out more and revealed a pear shape to your body that he never had noticed before. Well, that and the fact that you care nothing at all for how you look to your man, instead opting to impress your female friends by paying ungodly sums for someone to make your hair look like something a vagrant would have the decency to comb out.

Sure, there are always exceptions. The occasional woman looks great with short hair, though what her body looks like and how she does her shorter hair makes a world of difference.

On a side note, I understand that when you (women) hit 35 years old there is something in your mind that begins telling you to cut your hair short so you can look more “professional” but you need to fight this feeling. It’s a fact that 35% of marriages end in divorce because women get their hair cut short and begin dressing conservatively. Speaking of which…

I guess if you were in the band as a high school senior and the best flute player in your orchestra class showed up to your house wearing that dress for prom you'd probably sport an instant erection, but that's gotta be the only time. Ever.

I can't imagine taking a girl out who wears something that so vividly reveals your fate 5 years later of bible discussions, being chastised for holding hands, and 700 I LOVE YOU's a day. Scarily plain.

Please, for the love of God (and you do love God, don’t you?) stop wearing stuff that completely masks your tits. Yes, I called them tits. That’s what us guys call them. Well, that and cans, juggs, puppies, and assorted other classy terms. It’s just a word, get over it.

Here’s a little secret that you may not know…

Guys don’t need to see massive cleavage, tight pants, thongs sticking out, or any other variety of what’s been stereotyped as “sexy” for a woman to wear to find them sexy. A simple outfit that frames your body well is hot as hell to a guy. Bunch up the material around the tits, wear jeans that run halfway up your stomach, or put on anything that resembles something we’ve seen in pictures of our mom’s high school photos, and you can pretty much guarantee that your guy thinks you look like shit in it.

Much Better!

I don’t need to actually see your tits while out to dinner, but it’d be nice to be reminded that you are indeed female (I just found out the hard way that Alex can mean boy or girl) and since we are either dating, married, or scoping each other out for some potential slap and tickle sessions, perhaps it would behoove you to remind me that you’re attractive. Keep pasting your hair in all sorts of stupid shapes while wearing things that Devo would be embarrassed to sport and the chances of me finding you sexy enough to stick with are smaller than the chances my calves EVER place out of the top 3 in the yearly WWC’s (World Calf Contests)

Other noteworthy comments:

Cowls went out with my grandmother.
Anything that cinches in higher than where your waist is either makes you look pregnant or old.
Just because a color is “in style” doesn’t mean it automatically looks good, especially on you sometimes.

You’re probably thinking, “Damn, are you done yet?”

Nope, not even close. Though I will only give you one more today.


I don’t know who to punch in the face for this. Seriously, if someone could pinpoint who started this trend then I would gladly pay my own way to wherever this asshole lives and gladly pummel this person until I was hauled off to jail. Flying elbows, forearm shivers, repeated kicks to the junk…anything.

Wearing Jackie O glasses doesn’t make you look like her, and it certainly doesn’t make you look cool. It makes you look like a skier who forgot to take their goggles off. Or an extra for the worst remake in the history of remakes, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Or an actress from a shitty 70’s film playing a moon woman. Or my ten year old niece. It translates into a sense of ridiculousness to us guys. I mean, if I told you I was going to wear a tie that was 7 inches wide and hung down to my knees you’d look at me like I had horns. But you can wear a pair of glasses 10 times too large for your head and we’re supposed to accept it because it’s “stylish?“ Fuck that. And although us guys don’t ask for much in a relationship, it’d be nice to know that our girl has some common sense. In this situation, enough to look in the mirror one day and say, “Jesus H. Christ! I look retarded. (insert name here) was right.”

By the way, if you tell me that any of those first few dresses look better than the long black one then you are deeply and profoundly retarded.

So take off your moon shades, throw away everything with cowls, and start doing stuff like this…

Is this so hard?


elizabeth said...

first of all...that is the finest first guest (imposter) post I could have asked for.

oddly enough, I can't find one thing to disagree with you about!

while i admit to spending a ridiculous amount of money getting my hair cut, it's actually to avoid that sort of scary result. the fashion tips are spot on.

well played, sir.

Susan said...

I'm up for the StraightGuy make-over. When are you free?

Huge Junk said...

Thanks Elizabeth!

As for the expensive haircuts, I will admit that so many people obviously suck at doing hair that paying alot to make sure it's done well isn't a bad proposition.

Susan - You never know, you may not need one. You didn't see something you own on one of the examples of bad, did you?

Susan said...

My friend Rey (gay!) gave me one of those "girl-- you need a gay make-over"... then next time he saw me in my new boots he said "you picked those out all by yourself?" Vote of confidence? I think not. But no, none of those things mentioned are in my closet-- not because of my killer fashion sense as my ability to avoid fashion altogether. You'd think I'd have some money to show for that skill, or something!