Thanks and Sorry III (and you're welcome)

In case you haven't picked up on it, these are recent searches that brought people to my little corner of the web (exact search terms are bold)

Thanks for those of you who came here looking for:

bullshit tolerance low: google is way smarter than I thought. They deciphered this about me just from my little blog. Brilliant

female biceps: obviously, I'm totally buff

holiday disasters dysfunctional family gatherings: quite a specific search. Not only were you looking for dysfunctional family gatherings, but you really wanted to find a holiday disaster. How screwed up is your family, really? Or, did you just want to sit back from your Rockwellian easy chair and laugh at the people who have family crosses to bear? Either way, since you probably didn't get what you were looking for, I guess you should also go into the following group.

Sorry to those of you who wanted to see:

cuts of the pig drawing: this is a non-pig consuming blog, so while I respect your choice in wanting to know exactly what parts of the cute creature you're dining on, I can't help you. Well, technically, I guess I could, since I know, but I'm not willing to support such things. Pigs are cute, dammit. Which reminds me...I love chef Gordon Ramsey. I have watched every show he's done. Even the terrible Hell's Kitchen. Currently, he is doing The F word, wherein he takes average people who believe themselves to be proficient in the kitchen and has them do the dinner service in his restaurant. People can choose to not pay if they are unhappy with the results. I wish I lived in London, because I'd totally go there. I might even try to cook for him, but I'm sure that would end in tears. Anyway...this season, he is raising pigs in his backyard, with the help of his wife and young kids, and they will be slaughtered at the end of the season for Sunday dinner (the pigs, not the family). He did this last season with turkeys for Christmas. There is, of course, the worry that the kids will become attached to the pigs and not want to eat them. So, to combat that, they took some tape and began to mark off the parts and what they would make from the pigs. The kids? Totally ok with this. Gordon? Not so much. He is being persuaded by the piggy cuteness. I have no doubt, he'll still gladly make bacon from them, but still. So, if you came here searching for that, watch the show. I'm sure you'll learn, in great detail, all about it.

On a related note, fast food: again, something you won't find here. You can read about me being grossed out about it, though. Maybe that's what you wanted? Probably not.

On a totally unrelated note, lilbit actress. What's interesting to me is the term "actress", since Lil' Bit, as she relates to the entertainment industry, is a porn star. I was going to give you all a link so you could see her, but all my search results were totally NSFW and a little scary, frankly. Google her yourself if the curiosity is killing you.

Which brings me to huge tits. Tits aren't something you'll find here, either, huge or otherwise. Well, technically, you'd find them here, on my person, but not on this blog. And not huge. Nicely sized, I think, in good proportion to the rest of me, but not huge, in case you were wondering. But I certainly wouldn't allow any pummel tits. I don't even really want to know why you'd want to find that.

Finally, you're welcome to:

when is it a date/lukewarm first date: the Man Notes are clearly reaching people.

non-sexual boyfriend: I'm "you're welcome"ing you in advance, because I'm going to answer this query right now. If you have a boyfriend, who is not saving himself for his future wife (virgin), is physically well, and is non-sexual, it's time to go. He is either getting it elsewhere, isn't attracted to you, or has some mental issue he's dealing with that you cannot fix. I repeat. You cannot fix this. If he chooses to seek help in dealing with this, that's great. I'm totally for you sticking by him while he does. The chances of this happening are slim, in my experience, though.

The fact of the matter is that men, by nature, are sexual. This is something we should love about men. It's who they are. When they display behavior that is contrary to this very basic fact, something is wrong. Wrong with the relationship or wrong with him. But wrong. I'm not a doctor, but this is something I have experience with. This is not a judgment on your non-sexual boyfriend. I hope he works out whatever it is that ails him, but if you are a healthy, sexual woman who is not having the kind of relationship she needs from her man, this is something you must recognize. The great news is that there are literally millions of men in the world who are plenty sexual. My advice is to find one of them.


Matt Q said...

Hey, love the site. Thanks for stopping by my mine and leaving a nice comment. I'm glad that I haven't offended my one female reader.
I'm sure one day we'll be arguing over fast food anyway, but I'm glad we can start on good terms! Keep up the good work! Cheers!

MonkeyDragon said...

OMG these crack me up!

Jeff said...

I see that the term baby twisting didn't make the cut. Obviously you've got more than one hand in your pocket - you've got the entire Interweb at your beck and call.

Well keep twisting the baby lady. You'll be found out soon enough.


Jeff said...

My bad. I did a search on "baby twisting" and your site DID come up 34th out of 2400 sites.

Am I disgusted? No.

Am I disappointed? Yes.

You would think that a baby twisting expert like you would be able to twist the search terms so that twist and baby and baby and twisting were as well-known as bowlofcheese in the vernacular of the American public.

So twist that baby, baby.



slb159 said...

"Huge tits" and "Huge junk"...match made in hook up with the Bobster.

elizabeth said...

matt: you're very welcome. i look forward to reading about your continued defense of the fast food.

md: me too! i'm fascinated by what people search for. it makes me want to work for google.

jeff: ummm i'm hoping that's because you're the only person sick enough to be interested in baby twisting. then again, there were 2400 results? kind of alarming.

slb: ha! i hadn't thought of that. maybe it was huge junk looking for his huge tits counterpart. hmmmm.

Huge Junk said...

I am quite the catch.

And that wasn't me. I'm way past looking on the net for huge tits. Now I'm trying to track down hermaphrodites and video evidence of the donkeypunch. I'm classy like that.