So Not Me

Let me set the scene for you. I went grocery shopping late last night, after yoga. Major shopping. It looked like I was shopping for my family of 6 kids and hungry husband, none of which, of course, exist. So, I'm schlepping the many bags of groceries up to my apartment with the cart from the concierge of my building and I run into a guy I know from seeing him around with his dog.

As I'm about to get into the elevator with the first load of stuff (I had to make 2 trips...I told you it was a lot of food), he stops me and this is the conversation that ensues:

Him: Oh, hey! How are you?

Me: Good, thanks, you?

Him: I've been wanting to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you or...just don't jump to any conclusions, ok?

Me: [hesitantly] Umm alright.

Him: That guy, who lives with you. Is that your brother, or something, or boyfriend, or husband, or...well, I'm trying to ask if you're single.

Me: Oh, he's my roommate, not related, not boyfriend or husband. Yes, single.

Him: Really? Ok, well, I'm not hitting on you. I would, but I'm not, but anyway...I'm asking because I have a friend I think you'd like. I think he'd like you. Are you open to maybe meeting him?

Me: Well, maybe, I guess.

Him: He's tall, in good shape, lives in the neighborhood, he has a dog, he's successful...

Me: Is he nice...funny...boring...that stuff is sort of important.

Him: Oh, he's really nice, and funny, but dry funny, not cartoon funny.

Me: Sounds not-too-scary. I could meet him.

Him: So, that roommate, not your boyfriend? I mean, I would think...he's good looking, you're good-looking...

Me: No, totally not my type, and just went through a heart-stomping break-up.

Him: Oh, ok, well, we should all go for a drink. You, me, my friend...he's cool, and don't worry, he's been on Valtrex for like 8 years.

Me: [beat...uncomfortable giggle] Well, ok then. [confused]

Him: Ok, well, I'm sure I'll run into you soon, we'll make plans.

Me: K, see ya soon.

I walk back to my car to get the second load of crap, all the while, thinking how odd that encounter was. First of all, my roommate hasn't been here very long. I've definitely never run into this guy when with my roommate. How does he even know this guy moved in with me? And why would he make a herpes medication joke? I'm so confused.

I come back into the building, where he is now at the front desk, talking to the doorman, with his very cute dog.

Him: Oh, hey, Elizabeth. Listen, I hope that conversation before wasn't totally inappropriate. I just realized that I had you confused with somebody else in the building. Do you know her? She looks just like you, you could be sisters. Anyway, she's an actress/model, she's in a Valtrex commercial, that's why I made the joke. She lives with a really tall guy, I think he's her brother.

Me: [lightbulb, laughter] No, I don't know her, but that's hilarious. I was wondering how you even knew I had a roommate, and if you made herpes jokes to girls you were trying to hook your single friends up with all the time, because that would explain why you're not helping their single status. At all.

Him: Yeah, I figure if I make my eligible bachelor friends less appealing, more chicks for me. Anyway, good to know you're single. This might work out better than I thought. I'd still like you to meet my friend.

Me: Ok, as long as he doesn't really have herpes, that would be great. Good night!

Being single is weird. a fun, added bonus, I found out yesterday that the ex totally thinks I'm still in love with him and it's just a matter of time before we get back together. HUH??


Jeff said...

Sitting in a Florida hotel room getting ready to play golf, I decided to check in on little miss bitty.

Well, now she's cloned herself and her roommate; clearly doesn't see that this dog guy with the Valtrex 'story' is probably a figment of her overly active imagination; and now she's taken to binge shopping at the grocery store.

I say get help before it all crumbles around you. And go Bears!!!