I am a better girlfriend than all of these people

Actual quotes I've heard in the last couple of days from people about their significant others:

"I was at this party with her and realized I didn't want to be seen, like, in public with her. I think it's over"
ummm you think?

"He'd be a great guy if he did stuff, like talk. When he's sober"
yes, talking when sober is one of the main qualifications I use when determining whether a man is dating material

"My wife just doesn't understand that I love her and the kids, but I married a woman who is 15 years younger than me so I could still do whatever I want"
was it your goal to be a scumbag when you married her, or were you already secure in your status as such before the wedding?

"I liked her until we moved in together and I realized she was a whore. And a coke head. It was obvious when she was doing lines on our kitchen table with that guy"
I would say that is a dead giveaway

"I used to like Christmas, but she ruined it with all of her 'bah humbug' every year, so this year, I'm going to ignore Christmas. Maybe then she'll stop bitching about it"
that's the spirit!

Just knowing how awesome I am in comparison to all those people should make my man feel 100% better!