a very happy new year. Moving day is tomorrow. I can't say I'm totally ready or packed, but when have I ever been prepared for anything anyway? Excited to get into my new place, not sure about the cable/internet connection over there, but will be back as soon as everything is up and running. If I don't see you before, have a fun, drunken, and safe new year!!
Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmakah, and you all got what your heart desires. It's about 12 minutes until my birthday, so before I get even older, some thoughts from me to you.
If you're able to read this, you are more fortunate than most of the world. It means you have internet access, you are literate, and well, you know me, either for real or at the very least, through somebody who knows me or of me. Lucky you. I am very fortunate because I have a family, who like everyone's, is totally screwed up, but unlike everyone's, totally means well and loves me. For that, I am very grateful.
I am staying with my sister who is 7 months pregnant. It's pretty amazing to see the girl I grew up with, only 14 months older than I am, carrying around a tiny human being inside her. It completely blows away all of the large annoyances and minor irritations in my life, because in comparison to that one small person growing inside her, it is all infinitesimal. My sister and her wonderful, loving, fabulous husband, whom I would like to clone for all of the single women in the world who claim that there are no good men to be found, had a difficult time conceiving this baby, and they may be the most deserving parents-to-be, ever. Of course, I am totally biased, but I'm still right. I plan on being the completely annoying, overly bragging aunt, and if you hate baby pictures, you better forget about this page come February. If you think that you cannot tell a baby's genius by the way she drools or hiccups, you might also want to forget about it, because I'm sure I'll be predicting future nobel prize winnings based on those facts alone. So until then, enough about the baby. I will leave you with a little Christmas do-gooder stuff.
Today, we volunteered at the place my mom works, because they were hosting a Christmas lunch for some kids who are not as fortunate as we are. They are kids with problems bigger than the average angst-filled teen. Some have parents who are locked up for violent crime and have no other family to raise them. Some have developmental and/or emotional distress issues, and have been moved from foster home to foster home in search of a family who can cope. Runaways and kids who have been abandoned. I knew nothing about this organization before today, but I'm sure there are scores more out there across the country. I know it's easy to focus on helping the needy when we have a terrible disaster, like Hurricane Katrina, and I'm glad we all finally get off our asses when something like that happens. But the other 364 days of the year that you don't go to the Red Cross with a donation for that cause, perhaps you can consider a few hours to help an organization like this, even if it's only a couple of times a year. These people don't necessarily need your money, but a couple of hours can buy you a smile from a kid who was hungry and unhappy just 10 minutes before he set eyes on you, even if there's no tax deduction.
for my fellow travelers. The first piece of advice is for the guy sporting the back pack. Not the pre-teens, or even the teenagers. Hopefully you guys will grow out of it. If you don't, you will become the fully grown man with the huge protrusion coming out of his back who has no earthly idea of the personal space he is invading. How can you know? The thing is all the way back there, totally on the opposite side of your eyeballs, and when that enormous man-purse strapped to your back hits people as you lumber through the narrow aisles of an airport bookstore, for example, how can you be expected to be aware? Cut it out. Buy a big boy bag.
The second is for the traveling preschool room mom. I get that it's difficult to entertain a couple of small children while waiting for a flight. I appreciate your efforts in keeping your children in good spirits before shutting them into a small area with a bunch of strangers. I do not, however, feel it is necessary to set up nursery classroom on the floor of the terminal directly in front of the departure gate. The puffy books and the crayolas (not just any box, but the jumbo deluxe box with the sharpener built in...the one with at least 384 colors) dumped completely onto the floor. I'm fairly certain that when they were manufacturing rolling carry-on bags, this was not the type of surface they planned on my bag encountering. Might want to take the mobile classroom to a less obtrusive area, that's all I'm saying. And you might want to even attempt to pick up the things strewn 8 feet around you in every direction BEFORE someone falls over it.
Thanks so much, and have a nice flight.
Yeah, baby, i did it. I planned, confirmed and invited everyone to the baby shower in 24 hours. And it will be fabulous. Today, I officially rock.
Nothing like another thing to pile on the "To Do" list. I just found out this morning that my sister will be in town the first weekend of January, and I need to plan a baby shower for her. For once, this is not my own procrastination that's put me in a time crunch. But a time crunch it is. Find a venue, make a reservation, invite people...this should be interesting. I threw her bridal shower for her a few years ago, and it was a huge success. So much so that the baby shower has high expectations. Of course, I had lots of time to plan that, and it came at a time when I had loads of time on my hands. Let's see how well I work under pressure...eeeeek.
I was able to get some shopping done today. Which, inevitably brought me to anthropologie, one of my most favorite places. I must confess that I did not leave empty handed for myself, either. They have the most amazing, wonderful t-shirt line there. I would tell you the name, but I fear that if I did, I would go there and find them deplete of the yummy squishiness that those shirts are, and that would be devastating. I will just say that these splendid shirts are in new fabulous hoody styles, of which I now own 2. The other great thing about this store is that you can find things you weren't at all expecting, like this book that makes oinky and moo noises and has built-in finger puppets. While I love it, it is not for me. It is a gift for the family member who will be celebrating this Christmas from within my sister, as she will not be born until February. I'm not quite sure how the blogging situation will be while I'm away for the holiday. If it's possible, I will keep everyone posted on the festivities, including my birthday, when I will be 29!!!!!!!!! (again).
Most of my stuff will be moved while I'm down with my family in NC, then I'll gather the rest when I get home. I absolutely detest moving, but it will be so nice to be in my own space, finally. A place devoid of construction debris and tension. Will post pictures of the new pad once I'm settled.
When agreeing to go out with "J" this weekend, I had no idea of the rollercoaster ride it would be. Apparently, some people, when going through a nasty breakup, take it very badly. We went through the entire gamut of emotions, from acceptance, to hateful indignation, back to sad and helpless. It was ugly. I tried to patch him up with many band-aids in the shape of double poured scotches, but even Johnny Walker was of no use in this scenario. So, today I am thankful for my ability to be resilient, or at least to mask my own distress with sarcasm and humor, because I so don't want to be that kind of buzz kill.
Finally got my flight booked to go down to Charlotte for Christmas. It's not that I don't want to see my family, but planning a trip amidst the chaos that is my life is not fun. For all I know, I'll be moving the day of my flight down there, or the day I return. See, that's the fun thing about everything being up in the air. I also need to count on the ex to take care of the dogs for the 5 days that I'm away, and I'm feeling uneasy about that. He's always been fine with them, he does love them; but like everything else in life that doesn't involve work, they will not be a priority, so I'm sure by the time I get home, they will be bursting with the need for some attention. He's also been especially bipolar for the last few days. I don't know if it's the reality of the situation finally sinking in, or that he's as fed up as I am with the current living arrangements. Either way, to say that he's been unpleasant is a bit like stating that Hitler wasn't a very nice guy. Christmas just sucks this year. Following is my christmas list, just in case there really is a santa claus.
a new home, devoid of man mess and hostility
an endless supply of work that I actually want to do
the return of my social life (which has suffered greatly due to living with an anti-social for 6 years)
the ability to sleep somewhat normal hours
inner peace
not to much to ask, is it?
Sometimes it's a lot of effort just to get out of bed in the semi-morning. Today it's very difficult to get moving. I have so much to do, and I really don't have the luxury of being lazy today. Yet here I sit, doing one more thing to procrastinate starting my day. I really need to finish up this lighting project I've been working on. It's in the final stages, and usually, that's a great motivator in and of itself, but today, not so much. I hate this part of myself, and I can't seem to find a way to purge myself of it. I have a bunch of other things to do that I've been putting off as well. I need to get some photos of my work together and make postcards as a form of advertising (I suck at promoting my work); I haven't even begun Christmas shopping, and I need to figure out if I'm going to fly down to Charlotte to see my family for the holidays, and if so, book a flight, etc. Then there's all the stuff I need to do to get my website built. Overwhelming. I feel like I need a personal assistant, even though a. I cannot afford one, and b. I know there are millions of people with infinitely more things to accomplish daily that do it with no problem at all. It's like that Seinfeld episode where Kramer hires the intern to run his errands and stuff for him. I wonder if that would work...maybe I should contact some local schools. If I already had an intern, I would make him do it for me.
After I mentioned my renewed obsession with yoga the other day, I had no idea how much I have obviously been projecting that. After yoga tonight, the owner of the studio asked if we could have a chat. He wants me to consider becoming an instructor there. This involves a very strenuous training program, and I would have to be away for 2 months with virtually no contact with the outside world during that time. The odd thing is, I'm seriously considering it. I have plenty of time to ponder it, as the training only happens in the spring and fall. I have no idea where my head will be in a week, much less 4 or 9 months from now, but this is something that could germinate.
On a completely unrelated and random note...have you been watching Project Runway? Good stuff. You really just cannot beat the entertainment value to be gotten from a room full of queens in the throws of cutthroat competition.
I am not a morning person. I am especially not a morning person when I'm up until the sun has risen. There are some simple pleasures in the morning that can make this time tolerable. Good, hot coffee being the most important. Breakfast is not a regular thing for me, as I'm rarely hungry when I open my cranky eyes. But occassionally, I will bring home from the store a yummy little confection that I look forward to having with my coffee. Yesterday, I bought some pumpkin pecan scones. Just 2 of them, because I'm thoughtful enough to buy those treats not only for myself, but for the ex with whom I still live. So, I woke up this morning, put the coffee on, and reached in my half-slumber up the the top of the refrigerator, where I had stashed my little pumpkin treats. My hand found nothing. I knew immediately that HE had eaten them. Both of them. Because he is inconsiderate and selfish that way, and it's one of those little things that makes me want to choke him. Oh, how I need to get out of here before someone gets hurt.
I don't watch the news very often, because frankly, it's totally depressing. The news industry is bound and determined to keep the citizens of this country afraid and appeal to the lowest common denominator..the same people who just love reality tv. "If it bleeds it leads" is not the moniker of an institution that I can have any respect for. I do, however, read a lot of blogs, and occasionally, I am enlightened to a story that the rest of the country is apparently up in arms about while I have been living under a rock. So was the case with Stanley Williams, a founder of the Crips gang, who has been sentenced to death by lethal injection tonight at midnight. Since being imprisoned, nearly 25 years ago, he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for his work while incarcerated, writing books denouncing his former acts and trying to keep kids out of gangs. Does that make it ok that he killed innocent people and engaged in what I'm sure were heinous acts of violence? Of course not. I do think it says something, though, that someone with that kind of gang influence was put away with no possibility of ever getting out of prison, and instead of choosing to rule the gangs in his hovel behind bars, he completely turned his life around. Here is just one of the reasons I find it hard to embrace the death penalty. This isn't a case of mistaken identity..those cases are horrible and I'm so glad that DNA has enable scores of innocent men to be freed. This is a case of someone who consciously chose to do something worthy in the remaining years of his life. It's possible that he has saved many young people from a similar fate through the work he's done, and I think it's so very sad that we live in a world where that just doesn't count very much. We've all done stupid things as kids. I was fortunate enough to grow up in a very lovely suburban town where things like that just didn't happen. Our white picket fences were not exposed to gang colors. Not everyone is so fortunate. I hope that someday, we all can be, and until then, we can learn to recognize the strides people make in bettering themselves and others, regardless of past trespasses.
What, might you ask, does one do to relieve the stress one may be under when completely reexamining and changing one's life? I'm sure a sane person might opt for pills..lots of them, and preferably ones that cause much happiness. I never claimed to be sane, however, so my answer is to tie myself into many knots until the physical pain overcomes any mental confusion happening. I've done yoga on and off for years and years, but in the past couple of months, it's become an obsession. I have serious commitment issues, yet allowed the yoga people to convince me to commit to 6 months of classes. That isn't the main motivation, though, as I have missed classes and have actually dragged my lazy ass into equally scary positions here in the confines of my own apartment. Oddly enough, it's helping. I highly recommend that you try it if you haven't. I'm not pulling a Tom Cruise here; I'm not claiming that vitamins and exercise can easily take the place of needed meds. I'm just saying, for me, it's good stuff. My hamstrings may disagree, but their opinion is totally irrelevant anyway.
Family is fun, isn't it? So, on top of uprooting my entire existence and all the fun that entails, there has also been some added excitement sprinkled into the mix. On Thanksgiving, I saw almost all of my extended family. When your mother is one of 12, that's a lot of family. But that's for another time. This involves my father's smaller side of the family, the one where there is a normal amount of aunts and uncles (2) and cousins (3). So, the oldest of those cousins, whom we will refer to as "J" informs me that he is having major family issues, and is likely in the beginning stages of divorce. This is sad, as they have 2 young children and apparently, there have been some seriously ugly battles at home. I commiserated with him on the horror that relationships can be, and figured I'd see him again at next year's holiday dinner, or at a funeral, whichever comes first. But later in the weekend, I received a text message from him...at 1 am..saying that he needed somewhere to crash. Of course, I called him and told him to come over. Never mind the fact that I'm in a studio apartment, with the ex and the 2 dogs, until the apartment downstairs is finished and the ex moves into it and i move out totally. I tried to explain that the digs would be nothing fabulous, but he was more than welcome. He came over almost 2 hours later. This isn't a big deal, as I don't sleep often before 4 am, but when he got here, he was AWAKE, and therefore, I was as well, until 7am. The early morning hours were just filled with the kind of blistering anger and sadness that only a a man with a broken heart can muster.
So, since that night, J has been in and out, half of his belongings here, and the rest strewn between his house, friends' and his parents'. He never knows what the state of things will be when he goes home, so ours has been a revolving door. He sometimes shows up in the middle of the day, sometimes in the middle of the night. Maybe it's somewhat of a blessing, as it makes me completely lose focus of the disaster that is my life at the moment, and listening to him bitch about the evils of women is pretty humorous. The place I'm moving into is a 2 bedroom, and he knows that he will always have a place to go if he needs it, but there will be one huge change in the situation. He's not getting the key. I love him and all, and i feel for his situation, but I will be SINGLE for the first time in 6 years. A girl needs her privacy, and let's face it. Older male cousin walking into the apartment at all hours could definitely put a damper on the social life.
So much to discuss in this new incarnation, i'm a bit overwhelmed. For now i will just start out with the basics: where we'll be going with this in the coming weeks and months. I'm moving, and not into the place i spent 2 years designing and bitching about. Instead, i'm moving into a place of my own. This is a bittersweet move for me, as i'm looking forward to being in my own space after six years of sharing a place that at times was claustrophobic both physically and emotionally. Still, it's a little daunting, as i explore life as a somewhat struggling artist. Should be lots of fodder for this space. The upside to this is that i'm single. Maybe it's not an upside, since dating absolutely bites, but again, lots to bitch about in that department, without a doubt. Welcome. Stretch out, make yourself comfortable.
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